It is early morning here. Just saw Joe off to work and thought I would get on here for a little bit. I have really been dreading today. It is exactly three months since we lost Lily and even the same day of the week, Wednesday. Three months since I held her in my arms, since I looked at her little face, and held her little hand. I can't believe she would be three months old right now. Seems like it is such a milestone for babies and maybe that is why it is so upsetting for me. We got out some home video's of Luke the other day and watched his first 5 months of life. I really wanted to see what he looked like at 3 months and see all the things we was doing. It is hard to remember. Just wanted to know what kind of things Lily would be doing right now. When Luke was exactly 3 months old he rolled over for the very first time all on his own while I had him on video. It was so sweet, and I was sooo excited. I am sure Lily would be doing this already too, since she was so much bigger than him. I just can't even imagine it.
It kinda just feels like things are piling up on me this month. Lily would be three months old. I got pregnant in December, so soon I will be thinking "at this time last year I was pregnant." Then Christmas is coming. I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I know that it is a happy time for everyone else, but my heart still just feels so empty.
I sit here this day wanting to write down what I am feeling, but it is hard. I am filled with so many different emotions it is exhausting. I still can't believe that my little girl is gone. I am still going through all the stages that come with grief. Shock, numbness, anger, overwhelming sadness. Some days it is hard to deal with. Some days I am fill with hope for the future and I feel strength that we can get through this. Then other days I say to myself "I can't do this" But then I realize I have NO choice I have to deal with this.
I wish it was different as many times as I want. I can cry and cry as hard as I want. My heart can hurt and break in two, but it is not going to change anything. Sometimes it feels like it should change it, it should bring her back to me. I have not been crying as much lately. Which I know sounds like a good thing, but to me it is frustrating. I am not really hurting any less, but some days the tears just won't come even when I really want them too. I feel like I just really need a good cry, release some emotions. I don't know why it is so hard. Maybe it is because I have cried so much, or maybe because I know that when I am done crying I am still going to be faced with the same things of getting through each day without her.
Lily,
My special little one. I waited so long for you, not just nine months but a life time. I always wanted you, my little Lily. I miss you so much today. You would be getting so big and I wish I could look into your eyes and listen to you coo and feel that wonderful connection with you. I think of when you were still inside of me and all your little and big movements. I think of how content you where and how I loved to feel you move. It is the only memory of life I have of you. I remember you every day, your chubby little cheeks and your soft little hands. Your head full of fine hair and short little eyelashes. You are loved so deeply. I miss you my little angel.
Mommy
I wish there was more I could say, more I could do. But it all still leads to the same thing that I am missing my daughter. Going to go back and curl up in bed and maybe get a little more sleep before Luke wakes up.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
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