Lately...

Well life has been pretty busy here lately. A lot going on so haven't had much time or energy to write. The last two weeks held a lot of activities. First on Dec. 20th my sister-in-law had a sweet little baby girl. Then came Christmas, then my mom came out for a few days and also to be here for Lukes 4th b-day which was on the 29th.

So many things have been on my mind lately. We had a nice quiet (well except for Luke ripping into his packages) Christmas at home. It was a little sureal thinking of how Christmas could have been had Lily of been here. We lit a candle in memory and let it burn all morning long as we did our normal Christmas morning routine. My thoughts kept wondering back to last Christmas and the excitement of the day in finding out I was pregnant with Lily. I thought our family was going to be growing. Here it is a year later, everything is the same yet everything is soooo different.

Mom came out to be with us for a few days and it was really great to see her again. We stayed up many nights talking, crying and trying to find hope for the future. Luke was so happy to have her here for his b-day. It is the first b-day of his that she has gone too. We moved away right before his 1st b-day. So it was pretty special for her to be here.

I just can't believe Luke is 4 years old. It is just crazy. He is getting so big and smart. I am so proud of him yet it also makes me sad to see him growing so fast. If I could go back to that day he was born and try to image where we would have been 4 years from then. I never would have dreamed that this would be our life now. Sometimes my heart aches for Luke too knowing that he will never know his little sister. As he gets older I know he will begin to understand more and I know it will bring him sorrow. I feel so bad that he will never had a sibling to grow up with that was pretty close in age. Luke and Lily would have been about 3 1/2 years apart. Now there will be such a big age gap.

I was looking forward to 2007 being over, but as the new year rang in, my heart filled with heaviness. I thought back on the year and all that we went through. It was filled with great joy and anticipation most of the year and then ended with emptiness and sorrow. When I think about the year 2007 it will be remembered as the year we lost our little daughter and it should have been just a memory of the year she was born. Some days I just feel overwhelmed with my grief. I think about the future and even ten years down the road and where I will be. Of course I don't really know, who knows where I will be even a year from now. But anyways I wonder will it be any easier. I think I will still wake up every morning and go to bed every night knowing that my daughter is gone. And that ten years from now, I could of had a ten year old daughter and it feels like it will still hurt just as bad as today does. I don't really know though. I hope that I can come to peace with all that has happen. I want to have a good life ahead of me and not change as a person because of what has happen. I need to let go of what has happen and accept it and yet hold on to the memory of her. It is hard to find that balance. And once you get to that point doesn't mean you will stay there. It seems like I have been there before and then I go back and have to start all over. It is a daily battle. With the Lord's help I can overcome.