Luke's Expressions

Luke, happy face.
Luke, mad face.

Luke, very mad face.

So, Luke was wanting me to take some pictures of him the other day making different faces. He has some pretty good ones. First we did happy faces. Then he wanted to do mad faces. That was a little harder. He was wanting to be mad, but it was also funny at the same time. He would make his face and by the time I clicked the camera he would be smiling. I told Luke, "Quit smiling." Then he said "But my mouth wants me to smile." It was really funny and actually got a good laugh out of me. We finally caught a few mad faces.

Family

I can't explain how my life has changed in the last two months. Sometimes you think that you have everything figured out in life. You have a plan of what you think your life will be like and what you want out of life. Then things come along in life that are unexpected and totally change the course you had planned. It really makes you wonder what your life and future have to hold. You wonder if you will really have the life that you thought you would or do the things that you had planned.

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When Joe and I got married we both knew that we wanted to have children. We weren't really sure how many, but thought that three was a good number. When we had Luke it was such a blessing, and then when we got pregnant with Lily it seemed that life was taking it's course how we thought it would. Losing Lily has really made me re-value things.

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It is so strange how losing her has given me such a great sence of family, and how beautiful of a thing it is. I find myself just wanting to have a big family now. Not that 3 kids isn't a big family, like we had wanted in the beginning. But I really find myself wanting that. I want Luke to have brothers and sisters. I want our house to be filled with laughter and crying that comes from having children. I can't even explain the desire that I have for this in my life.

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Since losing Lily, it makes me want this so much more. But I question if I will ever have that. Sometimes it really feels impossible. I know that it's not my wants and needs that is always best for me. I really want to seek the Lord in this and know that it's his will for us to have more children. And if it is not, then I want to be content with what I have.

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People always tell you "oh, you will have more kids" Sometimes that is hard to hear. Partly because I just wanted Lily. Then also because I don't really know for sure if the Lord will bless me with more children. I feel like there are no guarantees in life. Will I ever hold in my arms another baby that is the product of Joe and I and the love that we have for each other. People would tell me when I was pregnant with Lily that everything would be alright concerning the pregnancy and the delivery and I truly felt that way too. But then seeing that it wasn't and that she is gone. I see that not everything happens the way you think it will. So when I think about having more children I really don't know if that is in my future or not. As much as I want it to be there is no guarantee.

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I want to be content with what the Lord has given me up to this point in time and if he decides to bless me in the future with what ever blessing he sees fit, I will be truly thankful.

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Not really sure if this post makes any sence to anyone, but it does to me and how I have been feeling lately.

Looking Back

So I really want to get back to blogging on a regular basis. I went back the other day and read almost all my post that I have wrote from the beginning. It brought back so many good memories. I can't believe all that you forget.

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It made me so glad that I started this blog in the first place. At first I just thought it would be fun to write a few things and read other. After going through and reading everything I remembered about all the thing I had wrote about Luke. The way he used to act, the way he used to talk and say cute little things when he first started talking. It almost felt like going back in time and hearing him say it all over again. It was so neat. So I guess what I am getting at is I need to keep up with it so I can look back again to where I am at right now and remember things.

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I feel kinda bad because life has been so crazy and emotional lately. Although it has truly made me so grateful for what I have I have not been emotionally available for Luke. I mean we still spend time together, but my mind and my thoughts seem to always be about Lily. He see me cry and say "Mom don't cry anymore, I don't want you to be sad." It breaks my heart.

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Looking back it seems all my time, energy, and focus was on him. Everything was about him and what little thing he did or said and how sweet it was. Since I got pregnant the dynamic changed, attention shifted a little. Which I am pretty sure is normal, cause we were preparing for a new life to come into our family. But now that it is just the three of us still, I need to shift my attention back onto him and what he needs, and spending quality time with him. I am not saying that I have been abandoning him or anything. It just seem like there has been so much going on that he is the first one to fall through the cracks. I know that this is not good. He is such a sweet boy and I am very thankful for him. When we sit down and have a little conversation I am so amazed at the things he says and the expressions on his little face. He is growing up so fast.

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So I want to start logging down our life again and remember and take time to think about all the little things in life that make each day bright.

As days and weeks go by....

Chest we got to put all her special things in. Pretty much anything that has to do with her is in here. Letters, cards, flower, her blanket, ect.
Here is her poem that Jewely wrote and her hand prints and foot prints displayed.
Her very special pictures
Her special corner in our room, this is where her bassinet would have gone so it seemed fitting to make a little corner in memory of her. I love to look at these things and remember her. It give me such peace.
Here is a picture I made. I took flower that people had given us and pressed them and then put them in this frame. It turned out so good and I am so glad I will have these flowers preserved forever.

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As the weeks go by I feel like I am starting to heal a little. It seems like this week I have had more good days than bad. Which has been really nice.

But this morning I kinda woke up with a heavy heart. I don't usually let myself think to much about what it would be like if Lily was here, and what I would be doing with her and Luke. It only makes me very sad to think about this, so I try to avoid it. But today it seems I woke up thinking about it. I was so excited to become a mother of two. I was so excited for our family to grow. I was looking forward to being more relaxed with this one and enjoying it. Cause you know with the first one it is always a little more stressful and scary as a first time mom and feeling like you don't know what you are doing. I couldn't wait to watch Joe become a dad again. Just days before we had Lily he was playing with his little nephew Miles. He looked so happy and excited and I couldn't wait to see him that way again with our little baby. I was looking forward to watching Luke become a big brother and love and kiss on his little sister. If any knows Luke he loves to give lots of hugs and kisses. I know he would have been a great big brother. I am sure it would not be all fun and games and having two kids is a lot of work. But I was ready for that.



It is so hard when you feel empty. It is so strange because I have been through two whole pregnancies and two whole deliveries, yet I still only have one child. Although I am so thankful for him. He definitely give me so much joy. He has brought me so much comfort through just a hug when I am feeling so low.



It is also hard as the weeks go and and life moves on for everyone around you. But the pain and loss is still so real and fresh in my mind and heart. I know being the mother that my grieving will last for a long time and I only hope that the people around me will be patient with me and allow me to grieve and take my time to heal. I know that life goes on, but it is hard when you feel like you are moving on without someone, and letting go of her. While yet keeping her memory alive.



I know that over the next few months there are going to be lots of hard first to get through. I know Halloween it not a very big deal, but of course my mind wonders to what it would be like and what cute little costume she would be wearing. Then there is Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am not looking forward to these. We found out we were pregnant with Lily Christmas day. I know they are going to be very hard days for me. Thinking how different life was a year ago. We were so happy and excited. I never thought a year later this is where I would be. I hope that after the new year 2008 starts I can start to feel renewed and have a fresh start.



I know that the Lord cares about us, and he will bless us. If it is his will I hope that he will bless us with more children. But nothing will ever replay my special angel. She will always be so special to me. I will never forget her, and I will continue to think of her everyday for the rest of my life. I don't want her life to be forgotten. She was so real to me. I know she was stillborn and never took a breath, but she was STILL born. She was perfect in every way.