I can't explain how my life has changed in the last two months. Sometimes you think that you have everything figured out in life. You have a plan of what you think your life will be like and what you want out of life. Then things come along in life that are unexpected and totally change the course you had planned. It really makes you wonder what your life and future have to hold. You wonder if you will really have the life that you thought you would or do the things that you had planned.
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When Joe and I got married we both knew that we wanted to have children. We weren't really sure how many, but thought that three was a good number. When we had Luke it was such a blessing, and then when we got pregnant with Lily it seemed that life was taking it's course how we thought it would. Losing Lily has really made me re-value things.
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It is so strange how losing her has given me such a great sence of family, and how beautiful of a thing it is. I find myself just wanting to have a big family now. Not that 3 kids isn't a big family, like we had wanted in the beginning. But I really find myself wanting that. I want Luke to have brothers and sisters. I want our house to be filled with laughter and crying that comes from having children. I can't even explain the desire that I have for this in my life.
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Since losing Lily, it makes me want this so much more. But I question if I will ever have that. Sometimes it really feels impossible. I know that it's not my wants and needs that is always best for me. I really want to seek the Lord in this and know that it's his will for us to have more children. And if it is not, then I want to be content with what I have.
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People always tell you "oh, you will have more kids" Sometimes that is hard to hear. Partly because I just wanted Lily. Then also because I don't really know for sure if the Lord will bless me with more children. I feel like there are no guarantees in life. Will I ever hold in my arms another baby that is the product of Joe and I and the love that we have for each other. People would tell me when I was pregnant with Lily that everything would be alright concerning the pregnancy and the delivery and I truly felt that way too. But then seeing that it wasn't and that she is gone. I see that not everything happens the way you think it will. So when I think about having more children I really don't know if that is in my future or not. As much as I want it to be there is no guarantee.
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I want to be content with what the Lord has given me up to this point in time and if he decides to bless me in the future with what ever blessing he sees fit, I will be truly thankful.
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Not really sure if this post makes any sence to anyone, but it does to me and how I have been feeling lately.
5 comments:
I was so thankful to read your blog and it brought back memories. I am thankful to hear you say gods will is most important, sometimes when we are hurting we forget that. After we lost Billy it was really hard to think we would have another baby and people kept saying this will heal your heart it didn't but Elizabeth is such a joy. Everyday at least 3 to 5 times she either just says hug and opens her arms or she says Love YA. We still miss what could have been though. So thankful for your post
Wow Beth that was very well written. Sometimes we say with the best of intentions that we will have this, or we will do that, but sometimes it isn't meant to be in the Lord's eyes. I love that you want a large family. Your post choked me up. I pray that God gives you that. I pray your house is full of laughter and even crying from all the children that you desire. Life is a gift. One that we take for granted most of the time. Through your trial, and others, it has put life in to perspective for me. I have thought of Sis. Gale often as well. It is humbling and even fearful, but you are right when you say that you want God's will in your life. I want that too, even if its hard to understand and accept. Nevertheless, it is what is best. Lots of love and hugs!
It seems that when Travis and I were just married we did a lot of bending, like a tree in the wind. We definately had plans for our life, things have not turned out entirely as planned. I can't even remember the origanal plan. hehehe Sometimes its hard in life to let the Lord have control, recognize his handy work, and enjoy the blessings he sends our way. You guys are in our prayers. (I'm Crispin's oldest sister) May God bless your marriage and family as richly as he has ours. May he bend you to his will, that you may be the fit vessel he desires.
It makes sence to me. As I drive down the Methow Valley I think of you & Sister Lahnora. I wonder how your days are going. I know how hard it is to lose a baby. Everywhere you go you see a baby,T.V,Magazines,Stores,church,everywhere. It takes time to heal and some People just don't understand until they have carried a baby for 9 months felt the life inside,delivered waiting to hold your baby, then God takes them to Heaven. Yes,God blesses us with more child, but that doesn't replace the baby that we lost. Yes,we all have trials in life. When you lose a baby you deal with that loss all of your life. Its been 22 years since I lost Ashley. I still think about her and sometimes cry. I love my boys dearly, and I'm so thankful for what God has blessed me with. I am thankful for the family that God blessed me with. My Mother in law and Sister in Laws was always there for me. I just wanted you to know that I love you and your in my prayers always.
This was a very touching blog. I don't know how you have such AMAZING words, but you do. It is so hard to even know what to say to continue to comfort you. I know it is hard because you DID want Lily, and only God knows what what is in store for your family. We all hope that you get that large family that you want, you both are such good people that we just want nothing but happiness for you. I love you, and am so glad to have you as a friend.
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