The Broken Chain

Just found this poem and it is soooo fitting and perfect. Wanted to share it.

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you. You did not go alone.
For part of us went with you, the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you, you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.

I can't wait till that day the chain will link again

Angel Wing

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to share this picture. I took it the other day out my front window. It think it looks like a big angel wing. Not really sure if you can see it very good in the picture. It was much neater in person.

Sick Today :-(

Our Christmas tree
Luke helping decorate...
This was the first year he really got into it and wanted to help.
He thought it was pretty fun.
One of the angel ornaments we bought for Lily...it says
"Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy."

The other angel ornament with the year on it...we are also getting a personalized one with her name and b-day on it.

~

So I woke up with a sore throat this morning...yuck. Am feeling very tired and lazy today. Hope it won't last too long, and hope that Joe and Luke don't get it. It has been really cold here lately. A week ago today it was almost 75 degrees and today it is like 40. We got our first real snow the day after thanksgiving. We got like 2-3 inches and it has slowly been melting, but there is still some on the ground.





Our thanksgiving was pretty good, as good as it gets I guess considering the circumstances. We went up to Joe's parents house. I was definitely missing Lily. Could totally picture what it would have been like if she was there. I pictured Joe sitting in the living room with his dad holding Lily and watching sports. Me in the kitchen helping with the dinner. Then we would all gather around the table to eat and I would probably just be holding Lily on my lap. Then as it seem like it always happens she would probably be hungry just as we sit down to eat, and I would go in the other room and nurse her :-) Which may seem like a pain as I remember sometimes with Luke, but now I think I just wish I could be doing that. Then I thought about how she would have been wearing some cute little outfit and we would be passing her around to everyone to hold and everyone would be like "awww she is just so cute" (what little baby isn't cute) Then I think about how she would be getting tired and I would probably be rocking her to sleep as we watched some football game and how she would just be asleep on my chest. The picture in my mind....warm house, good food, and lots of family. Which we still had all of that, but there was still this void in my heart. I thought of how we would be taking a family picture of all FOUR of us. It would probably be one that we would send out in Christmas cards. Instead we didn't take any pictures. I didn't even bring my camera. Is wasn't a totally miserable day. I enjoyed the people I was around, but my heart just ached for Lily to be there too. I only cried like once while we were there in the bathroom. I held it in all day and then when we got home I let it all out.





The weekend was pretty nice. It was nice to have Joe home for a few extra days. We did the usual stuff that we do every year. We set up our tree the day after thanksgiving and did a little Christmas shopping. Trying to keep things as normal as possible for Luke and for us too. We lite 4 candles one for the each of us as we set up the tree. Just wanted her to be included somehow. We also bought a few angle ornaments in memory of Lily and put them on the tree. They look really pretty.





It is weird how time and life just goes on. It is hard, but it is also a good thing. I have made it past another hard event...thanksgiving. I know there are many more to come and it is just nice to put them behind me and move on the the next one, hoping that each one will get a little easier.

~Thanksgiving~

Hope everyone has a very nice thankgiving!!! Love to all,

Joe, Beth & Luke

~

I am having a hard time lately dealing with the fact that I never really got to know Lily, and that I never will. I know that I have heard it is probably easier to have a stillborn then to lose a baby that you had for a little while. And I don't really know, and I hope I never have to find out. My heart has just been really sad concerning the thought that I never got to see her as she would have been, and look into her eyes and hear her little heartbeat and hear her make little noises. It is hard to even believe that I was ever pregnant with her. Sometimes it just doesn't feel real. It is such an amazing process anyways. The process of pregnancy to this little person. I remember with Luke even after I had him I looked at him and couldn't believe he grew inside of me, from nothing into this perfect little baby. It is such a hard concept to understand. So it is even harder when you are left with nothing but a picture and trying to remember what it was like when she was still growing inside of me. Was it real? I know it was, but it is hard to comprehend. I can't even explain it. It just feel like she should be here. I see all these other mothers with there little babies and can't believe I almost had that. I was supposed to have a baby too. It sometimes just doesn't feel real still. Yet the pain in my heart is so so real.
~
It is like this: A kid getting a present for christmas. Long before christmas they start thinking about christmas and the presents they are going to get. It is so exciting. They know what they want and have been asking for it for awhile. Soon the present is under the tree. They look at it every day. They don't know exactly what it is, but know that it is something good. Something they have really wanted. The pick it up, feel how heavy it is. Shake it to try and figure out what it is. They think of the day they will get to open it and see it for the first time, and all the time they will spend playing with it. They tell there friends about it and the excitement builds. Then finally the day is here. They wake up christmas morning and get to open there present that have long waited to do. What is it? What is it? They open it and love it. It is exactly what they wanted. They get to open it, see it and even touch it. But then it is taken away from them. And they never get to see it or touch it again. It is gone forever. What a heartbreak. Everything you hoped and wished for you had, but only for a moment and then it was gone. It is just really hard to believe.
~
Was just thinking this tonight, and wanted to write it down. I miss Lily so so much. The only peace I have is knowing that she is in heaven and is at peace, but the pain of losing her is sometimes almost more than I think I can bare. Even though I know that it is not. God has given me strength and I hope and pray he continues too. I want to have a good mind. I know that we can get through this. The Lord has blessed me so much in life and has really given me peace in moments when I really needed, but the hurt in my heart is still there.

That morning...

So I woke up the morning of September the 5th 2007 to my water breaking. I was like ok this is it. I felt a rush of excitement in knowing I would meet my new baby today. I banged on the wall were my mom was sleeping in the next room. We both got up and started to get around to see how things were going to progress. I walk over to our front window and opened up the curtains. There was a beautiful little half rainbow in the sky. I showed it to my mom. I thought to myself this is going to be a beautiful day. I was so excited and ready for the labour ahead. I knew it would be all worth it to see and hold my little one for the first time and to even find out if it was a boy or my first little girl. I think back at how the day started and how the day ended. I never thought it would end that way. I thought it was going to be a great day and it ended up being the worst day of my life. But at the same times I can't say that seeing my little daughter Lily and holding her in my arms was the worst day of my life, but knowing that I would never hold her again or watch her grow up was the worst. So it was one of the best days of my life, while at the same time the worst.
-
I feel like I am trapped in time. I can't go back, but I can't move forward. I am suck in the moment, in the day that I lost her. The days keeping going by and I still wake up every morning remembering that she is gone and remembering that day. How did it go wrong? How did a day that started out so beautiful turn out so ugle. It makes me so sad to know that we never really got to know each other. We never got to look into each other eyes. We saw her, but she never saw us....never saw her mommy or daddy or big brother. It is hard to explain that you never got to know your own child. What would she have been like, I wish I could have seen life in her eyes and heard her. I wish I had some memories of her I could hold on to.
-
I look at her picture and say to myself "this is my daughter." And sometimes it doesn't feel real. It is so hard to comprehend. She was so beautiful and perfect. She had ten fingers and ten toes. Everything she needed to survive here on this earth, but she just didn't quite make it here. My heart continues to ache for her. I wonder how long it will last. How long will I be trapped in time trapped in my grief. When will I stop counting the days, weeks, months, and years of how old she would have been today.

Lazy Day

What kind of face is this?

~

So it is a little after 10:30 here, and we are all just getting around. It is kinda nice to sleep in sometimes and have a relaxing morning. Joe got up a litte before me, and I woke up to hearing him in the living room playing the guitar. It was very peaceful. So I got up, got some coffee and got on the computer to check out some blogs and other stuff. Then Luke got up and joined me at the computer. Joe has the day off today since it is Vetrans Day. It will be nice to have him home an extra day!!! Not really sure what our plan is for the day yet, probably just hang out and spent some time together. Hopefully it will be a nice day.

~

*Just a note: Tonight is my sis-in-law Jewely's baby shower. I am going to try to go to it. Please remember me that I can make it through it without getting to upset. I don't want to ruin her shower, and I want to show her that I am happy for her and support her. But I know it is going to be pretty hard for me.

Burdens Are Lifted Away.

So today has been a good day. Which has been a nice change. The last few days since my mom left have been really hard. I have spent late nights up thinking and crying and talking with Joe. Today has been a relief and gives me some peace of mind and hope. It seems like we have been dealing with so much lately with the loss of Lily. I have been stressed and grieving over more than just her death. And it has been really hard on me. So today it seems like God really had mercy on me and lifted that burned off my shoulder. Went to church today and everything that was talked on was what Joe and I talked about the night before and the things that I have been struggling with. I was amazed at the words that were being spoken and the comfort I was able to receive. So thankful that the Lord is aware of us and loves us so much to hear and anwser our prayers. I still missed Lily greatly today and cried when thinking about her not being with me today. But seeing how God delivered me out of this other burden and gave me peace in my heart concering it, I know he can do the same with my hurting heart for Lily.

Have been making some collages of some of my favorite pictures. The background of this picture is Lily's gravesite.
She was so beautiful and perfect.

Hopes & Fears

So my mom and her husband have been here all week and just left today. It was so nice to have my mom here. I wish we where closer and could spend more time together. Luke really likes her being here too. We really got spoiled when she came out before I had Lily, cause she was here for a month. She is now heading to Arizona for the winter to take care of my Grandpa. We are planning on trying to make it out there for Thanksgiving. It is only a 12 hour drive, which may seem like a lot, but is a lot closer than the 20 hour drive to Washington. So Lord-willing we will make it out there. It was hard to say good-bye today. I really enjoyed our time together just hanging out and talking as much as we wanted. It was really nice.

Grandma and Luke
Eating at subway before they left. (Luke was trying to make his mad face here :-)

Saying good-bye. Luke was not very excited about that. Poor little guy.

~

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So since Lily's passing my mind never stops. Sometimes it is soo overwhelming. I think about the past and what has happen, I think about the present and how I am going to get through this, I think about the future and when it will start to get easier and what my life will be like then.

~

My Hopes & Fears

Hopes (and goals)

I hope I will grow as a person and become stronger from this.

I hope that my faith will be increase and will draw me closer to the Lord.

I hope I can get through it.

I hope it will make me a better mother.

I hope it will make me a better wife.

I hope I will be able to help other people if someone else ever has to go through this.

I hope I will not take this life for granted.

I hope that I will not get upset over the small things in life.

I hope that if I have children again, I will cherish every moment with them.

I hope I have more children.

I hope I can be a good example to those I am around.

I hope that I can find happiness and peace again.

I hope to make heaven my eternal home so that I can see Lily again.

~

Fears

I'm scared I won't get through this and be happy again.

I'm scared it will happen to me again.

I'm scared it will happen to someone else I care about.

I'm scared I will never have children again.

I'm scared I will never hold another little baby that is mine.

I'm scared that something will happen to Joe or Luke.

I'm scared that Lily's memory will be forgotten.

I'm scared that it will not get easier, and that I will always be hurting.

I'm scared that I will be alone.

Thank You!

Just wanted to post today to say thanks to everyone who has been reading my blog. Thanks for all your prayers and kind words of encouragement. I feel like I will continue to use this blog as a way to journal and express my thoughts and feelings as they come to me. It really have been a great release for me to write. I hope that nobody grows weary of my posts. Well I am glad it is the weekend and Joe is home. I really look forward to the weekend so we can all spend time together. Hope everyone else has a great weekend. Love to all, and thanks again.

Remembering You!!!

Lily,

It is morning. Daddy is off to work and your big brother is still asleep. I am thinking about you, and missing you. The house is quite and I can't helping thinking about what it would be like if you were here. I remember those early morning getting up with Luke. I would bring him into bed with me and we would both fall back to sleep. Those were some of my favorite times with him. Was looking forward to that with you. I still can't believe you are gone. I miss you so much. You are my perfect little angel and I know you are being taken care of. You would have been almost two months old now, and I wish I could have seen your little smile. Luke talks about you and prays for you every night. Wish he could have gotten to know you, and so do I. He would have been a good big brother. Please watch over him and protect him when I am not able. You have made such an impact on my life. I never knew I could feel this way, although my heart aches for you, I have such a great love for you. You are so special to me. I will never forget you and can't wait to see you again someday. I love you my little Lily.

Mommy

Halloween

~Happy Haloween~

Hope everyone had a nice day yesterday. Our day went pretty well. The weather was warm and sunny, so that was nice.

Here are the pumkins we carved, one happy face and the other a cat face.
Luke and his cousin Autumn trick-or-treating at the downtown businesses.