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I am having a hard time lately dealing with the fact that I never really got to know Lily, and that I never will. I know that I have heard it is probably easier to have a stillborn then to lose a baby that you had for a little while. And I don't really know, and I hope I never have to find out. My heart has just been really sad concerning the thought that I never got to see her as she would have been, and look into her eyes and hear her little heartbeat and hear her make little noises. It is hard to even believe that I was ever pregnant with her. Sometimes it just doesn't feel real. It is such an amazing process anyways. The process of pregnancy to this little person. I remember with Luke even after I had him I looked at him and couldn't believe he grew inside of me, from nothing into this perfect little baby. It is such a hard concept to understand. So it is even harder when you are left with nothing but a picture and trying to remember what it was like when she was still growing inside of me. Was it real? I know it was, but it is hard to comprehend. I can't even explain it. It just feel like she should be here. I see all these other mothers with there little babies and can't believe I almost had that. I was supposed to have a baby too. It sometimes just doesn't feel real still. Yet the pain in my heart is so so real.
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It is like this: A kid getting a present for christmas. Long before christmas they start thinking about christmas and the presents they are going to get. It is so exciting. They know what they want and have been asking for it for awhile. Soon the present is under the tree. They look at it every day. They don't know exactly what it is, but know that it is something good. Something they have really wanted. The pick it up, feel how heavy it is. Shake it to try and figure out what it is. They think of the day they will get to open it and see it for the first time, and all the time they will spend playing with it. They tell there friends about it and the excitement builds. Then finally the day is here. They wake up christmas morning and get to open there present that have long waited to do. What is it? What is it? They open it and love it. It is exactly what they wanted. They get to open it, see it and even touch it. But then it is taken away from them. And they never get to see it or touch it again. It is gone forever. What a heartbreak. Everything you hoped and wished for you had, but only for a moment and then it was gone. It is just really hard to believe.
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Was just thinking this tonight, and wanted to write it down. I miss Lily so so much. The only peace I have is knowing that she is in heaven and is at peace, but the pain of losing her is sometimes almost more than I think I can bare. Even though I know that it is not. God has given me strength and I hope and pray he continues too. I want to have a good mind. I know that we can get through this. The Lord has blessed me so much in life and has really given me peace in moments when I really needed, but the hurt in my heart is still there.