So I woke up the morning of September the 5th 2007 to my water breaking. I was like ok this is it. I felt a rush of excitement in knowing I would meet my new baby today. I banged on the wall were my mom was sleeping in the next room. We both got up and started to get around to see how things were going to progress. I walk over to our front window and opened up the curtains. There was a beautiful little half rainbow in the sky. I showed it to my mom. I thought to myself this is going to be a beautiful day. I was so excited and ready for the labour ahead. I knew it would be all worth it to see and hold my little one for the first time and to even find out if it was a boy or my first little girl. I think back at how the day started and how the day ended. I never thought it would end that way. I thought it was going to be a great day and it ended up being the worst day of my life. But at the same times I can't say that seeing my little daughter Lily and holding her in my arms was the worst day of my life, but knowing that I would never hold her again or watch her grow up was the worst. So it was one of the best days of my life, while at the same time the worst.
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I feel like I am trapped in time. I can't go back, but I can't move forward. I am suck in the moment, in the day that I lost her. The days keeping going by and I still wake up every morning remembering that she is gone and remembering that day. How did it go wrong? How did a day that started out so beautiful turn out so ugle. It makes me so sad to know that we never really got to know each other. We never got to look into each other eyes. We saw her, but she never saw us....never saw her mommy or daddy or big brother. It is hard to explain that you never got to know your own child. What would she have been like, I wish I could have seen life in her eyes and heard her. I wish I had some memories of her I could hold on to.
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I look at her picture and say to myself "this is my daughter." And sometimes it doesn't feel real. It is so hard to comprehend. She was so beautiful and perfect. She had ten fingers and ten toes. Everything she needed to survive here on this earth, but she just didn't quite make it here. My heart continues to ache for her. I wonder how long it will last. How long will I be trapped in time trapped in my grief. When will I stop counting the days, weeks, months, and years of how old she would have been today.
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I feel like I am trapped in time. I can't go back, but I can't move forward. I am suck in the moment, in the day that I lost her. The days keeping going by and I still wake up every morning remembering that she is gone and remembering that day. How did it go wrong? How did a day that started out so beautiful turn out so ugle. It makes me so sad to know that we never really got to know each other. We never got to look into each other eyes. We saw her, but she never saw us....never saw her mommy or daddy or big brother. It is hard to explain that you never got to know your own child. What would she have been like, I wish I could have seen life in her eyes and heard her. I wish I had some memories of her I could hold on to.
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I look at her picture and say to myself "this is my daughter." And sometimes it doesn't feel real. It is so hard to comprehend. She was so beautiful and perfect. She had ten fingers and ten toes. Everything she needed to survive here on this earth, but she just didn't quite make it here. My heart continues to ache for her. I wonder how long it will last. How long will I be trapped in time trapped in my grief. When will I stop counting the days, weeks, months, and years of how old she would have been today.
13 comments:
Life is so unpredictable, isn't it. It is amazing how your life can change in a minute, or with one decision/mistake. In this life you just never know what is around the corner. I wish that day would have been different :( I hope that you have many happier days ahead of you, you deserve nothing but happiness. Love and prayers always.
Have comfort, although you will never stop counting how old she would be etc., in time you will be able to rejoice in what you did have. The sweet little movements, the half rainbow, the fact that you DID get to see her, and on and on. Life is so unpredictable, amazing joy could come on one of your worst looking days too. Praying for you every day, and feeling your pain. So sorry.
Oh Beth, again I am at a loss of words for you..I am so sad for you and Joe, but just know that many, many prayers are being offered up on your behalf. Hope your memories stay fresh enough to give you peace, but soften enough to ease your pain.
Dear Beth,
I pray for God to comfort you. I don't have any answers for you, but I just want to encourage you to read through Psalms...read where David earnestly sought the Lord for comfort. Seek Him, He's the only answer. He's the comforter, He will bring you through this. I don't think the pain ever goes away, but God will help you to get through life, to continue to be a wife to Joe and a nurturer for Luke.
I'm praying for your tender heart.
Earnestly praying.
love, Katrina
I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this, Beth. I cannot even imagine the feelings you're having. I find you incredibly full of faith and understanding with all of this and I admire that more than I can say. I'll continue to pray for you and your family.
I do believe that you have your own little angel just waiting to meet you one day.
I love that you saw a rainbow on that morning, a symbol of one of God's promises. Only at that moment you had no idea what lay ahead, and what promise He would be keeping to you. Maybe it will be a promise to never have to endure that same trial again; like the flood. I shudder to think of how difficult this would be for me. You are so strong and full of faith...keep praying, as we all are for you and Joe.
Hi Beth,
While I was praying, I was thinking that it is just so soon...of course you are still in deep mourning some days. Don't be too hard on yourself and expect yourself to feel any differently. God knows we must mourn. And, like I said the pain does not ever go away, but I believe the intensity will lessen in cycles and some days you will feel like you've healed a little bit more. Let the Lord take you through it...your faithfulness shines through--how glorifying that is to God. You are a wonderful example of Christ.
Praying...
Katrina
Beth,
I am so thankful you continue to use your blog as a release of your feelings. My heart breaks so many times for you. I look at my own children and know that each one very easily could have been taken from me. One child especially was born dead and we were past the time that we thought God would breath the breath of life into him, but he did. I could very easily be in your shoes. It makes me wonder why no me? God only knows the answer to that question. Beth, my prayers continue to be with you. May God fill the hole in your heart in a way that only HE can. I love you! XOXOX
I have no words that can make you feel better but please know that I think of you often. I can't even start to imagine your pain. My heart aches for you & your family. Even though we have never met, I feel like I have gotten to know you in blogland. I wish I lived closer to give you a big hug. Prayers & (((HUGS))) from Maryland!
PRAYING FOR YOU BETH......
Thank you for leaving a comment on my page. I have been so busy that I haven't been able to read many blogs and so I didn't know that this had happened. I'm sorry that this happened. I couldn't imagine what you are going through. I can say this though. She is in a better place and would not want you to be so sad as you are. There are things in life we don't understand but somethings we have to just take it as not understanding and embrace it. Do not dwell in the sadness or it will consume you and the others around you and it is not easy to come out it. Greive but find things to fill the time, take a trip, get out of the house, anything that will take the sadness out of your thoughts for a while. But most of all, don't let the sadness consume you. Hope you feel better.
Dear Beth,
Thank you for your comments on my blog - and for sharing your heart on yours. I just blogged a lot of the same thoughts as you last night, and seeing that the way I am thinking and struggling isn't unique is amazing.
Our grief is huge, but our God is vast... He will hold us. I trust that with all my heart - and am praying for you as well, my friend.
Hugs from Canada,
Kendall
Oh Beth, I'm SOOO sorry to hear about your loss, my heart aches for you. I'll pray for your healing heart and for your family. Why God takes our loved ones back home unexpectedly is something we will never know and maybe until the next time we see them. I cannot imagine the tragic moments you experienced that day, just know I'm praying for you. Thank you for your condolences regarding my cousin. I'm glad you dropped by my blog, too bad on such horrific news. Hugs to you and God Bless you BIG!
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